I’ve had three boyfriends in my life. And each time I have a boyfriend, I wonder what do they see in me, when they get together with me.
When I was in my early teens, I used to think that if a guy likes me, it means he really likes me for what I am, because frankly, I’m nothing much to look at. I’m not drop dead gorgeous, and I do not have the biggest boobs in town (on the contrary, I have the smallest. Sigh).
How naive I was. My first boyfriend said he liked me cause I’m sweet. Second boyfriend said he liked me cause I’m hot and nice. Third and current boyfriend says he likes me ’cause I’m cute.
Wow.
No.3, is really a gift. Although I’ve imagined it before, I didn’t think that I would actually be in a relationship with him. Even now, as we are in one, it seems so unbelievable, so surreal. And I’m so afraid that I’ll screw it up somehow.
The paranoid person in me keeps on saying that he’s regretting his decision, that I don’t look great at all in real life, that sooner or later, he’s gonna dump me.
Probably I might be right, or I could be wrong, but if my paranoia goes on he’ll definitely get sick of me soon. I choose to play the blame game; I blame no.2 for making me this paranoid. I blame no.2 for making me easily depressed that it’s like a weak immune system; I get depressed so easily. Every single little thing that no.3 does now, I over analyze it. Every single thing he unintentionally does, a normal person would just brush it off, but I get depressed over it.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I am destroying my relationship and my life right in front of my own eyes, and I am helpless; I can’t do anything. This paranoia just takes control of me without me wanting to.
I want to change. I don’t want to be paranoid no more. I don’t want to be clingy. I don’t want to be that weak person who cries easily. I haven’t cried for 2 months. I don’t want to start now.
Thank you, no.2. You ruined my life. You’ve made it so hard for me to trust guys anymore. Now no.3 thinks that I have problems trusting him. He probably thinks I’m delusional and paranoid and clingy.
I don’t want this to happen! I just want to enjoy my relationship with a guy I love, and whom I hope likes me too.
See, I even have problems believing that he likes me. It just seems too good to be true, someone like him even liking me. Please, I want him to be for keeps.
It’s late and I want to sleep. But I just don’t feel sleepy at all. If I go to bed I’ll just be lying there, staring at the flapping curtains, and thinking. The more I think, the more I can’t sleep. There’s so much more I wanna let out, but I can’t interpret my feelings into words. These feelings; they are alien to me.
Maybe I’m overwhelmed with feelings. I feel like a failure because I didn’t do well for today’s Political Science paper.
I feel relieved, ’cause that paper’s finally over and done with, and my mum knows and doesn’t seem to mind that I won’t do so well for it.
I feel sad, I do not know why.
I feel lonely, ’cause Davin’s gone to sleep and I’ve nobody to chat with.
I feel depressed, ’cause Davin spent more time reading his manga than chatting with me.
I feel clingy, ’cause I shouldn’t be feeling depressed about that.
I feel strange; is Davin really my boyfriend already, or is it just a figment of my imagination?
I feel lovesick; talking on the phone with him for a few minutes isn’t enough…I want to talk to him for hours on end, but he needs his sleep, even if I don’t need mine.
I feel antsy; why is Gossip Girl taking so long to stream?
I feel hungry. I didn’t eat while I was at Ghany just now.
I feel inferior; why am I not smart enough?
I guess I mostly feel lonely now. It’s 4.16am, and I told Davin that I’d most probably sleep after our phone conversation, but that was more than half an hour ago. I don’t feel sleepy at all. In fact, I feel energetic. I should probably use this opportunity to study up my Chinese, but I can’t bring myself to touch the paper. Why can’t we have an aural exam instead, for Chinese? I would definitely score an A on that, if not an A-. Not to be cocky, but I just can’t seem to remember Chinese characters.
Back to feeling lonely. I guess I tend to think even more when I am alone, with nothing to occupy my mind with. Watching Gossip Girl made me think of the Ivy Leagues, and how Su Ann managed to get into a few of them. The Ivies. Wouldn’t it be nice, if I could get into an Ivy League? Then I can say, oh, I went to school in Yale/Harvard/etc. How many people do you know who actually got into an Ivy League? Would I be qualified to even apply for them? I guess not. With no money, no brains, no status, I guess I’ll have to settle with ol’ UTAR.
I used to dream of going to Oxford U, when I was younger, and didn’t know anything about financial burdens.
I used to dream of going to Taylors, then maybe to Monash, and a university overseas. When I was in form 5, and still unknowledgeable about financial burdens. Then my mother popped my bubble. I’m going to UTAR.
She said the certificate everywhere is the same, it doesn’t matter where you go.
If it’s the same, then why do people gasp when they know you got a cert from Yale and don’t care if you get a cert from any local university?
It’s not the same. But no point arguing, I’m not the one paying the bills, and I definitely am not the one deciding where I’m going to study.
I don’t mind studying in UTAR much now. At least I got to know a bunch of great friends, and I got to know Davin. I get to stay at Kampar, on my own. I get a taste of freedom.
You know how people go wild when they’ve never gotten any freedom, then they suddenly get too much for themselves to handle?
I admit I’ve gotten a little wild. But it’s the good way. I’ve became more independent. And I am nowhere turning into a delinquent. Having fun is just as important as studying.
I just wish I could get some sleep. Perhaps I shouldn’t have slept so long this afternoon. 1-sth till 5-sth.
Oh yay I’ve started yawning. But my body doesn’t want any rest. I wish I could take a walk around Westlake now with Davin. Or somebody who I can talk to a lot. I wish Shereen or Pei Yi or Grace was here. I miss you, sisters. Wish I could talk to Justin now. I miss him, my lil bro’. Although he hardly talks. Why do you talk so little, my lil Justin?
The other day I had a daydream. It was raining, and the internet was down. The weather was nice and cool. I dreamt, while lying in bed under my blanket, that wouldn’t it be nice, if he were here now? He could be using a laptop, probably surfing the net, or playing an online game. I would be reading a nice girly fiction. We’ll both be on the bed, probably him sitting up, and me lying down; ’cause that’s the way I like to read. We don’t need to talk, because the company we’re having with each other is conversation enough. He’d occasionally poke me, I’d occasionally poke him. I wonder if we’ll do this when he comes here next year. Only problem is, he wants to get a desktop pc, not a laptop. Oh well, so maybe reality will be a little bit more different than my daydream, but I can still dream, can’t I?
I feel a little more empty on the inside now that I’ve typed out most of what I feel. Now, I feel a little tired. I wonder if I’ll be able to sleep. But one last thing to ponder about before I go…
Should I post this up? Some parts are a little offensive, and I did not really censor some parts…or perhaps I should just turn off the comments, so that I’ll have the illusion that nobody’s reading, ’cause nobody can comment, so I won’t know who reads and who’s thinking what. Mm. I don’t wanna password-protect this post, ’cause some parts are too juicy to be left a secret.
Oh yeah, another thing. I’ve been thinking of changing my URL, because pohnee.wordpress.com is too easy to find. Not for my friends, but for my parents (and maybe, lecturer?). I have this nagging feeling that my dad has found my blog…but since he didn’t mention anything about a boyfriend, I think I can still be hopeful that he doesn’t.
I’m almost nineteen and my parents (mum, mostly) still don’t allow me to have a boyfriend.
Sigh. I’ll scan through some parts, censor some parts. Off the comments, then post this up.
I have a suggestion for a new url: indecisive.wordpress.com ; just ’cause I am an indecisive person. Ooh, wait, maybe I should put…
Haha just kidding.
I’ll post a new entry 24 hours before I change the url to confirm it, so watch this page.
Toodles.
